Returning to Dating After a Long Marriage: Where to Begin

It may have been twenty or thirty years since your last first date. Perhaps your marriage ended in divorce or separation, or you lost your partner, and enough time has passed that you’ve started to wonder about meeting someone. You might feel curious, hesitant, or both at once. Any of those is a reasonable place to start. This guide offers a few practical first steps, to take at whatever pace suits you.

A familiar situation

Here’s an illustrative example, not a real person. After a 26-year marriage ends in divorce, a woman in her late fifties notices two things. She’s enjoying her independence: her own routines, her own decisions. She also misses having someone to share a meal and a long conversation with. Friends have started asking whether she’s “putting herself out there.” She isn’t sure what that would involve, or whether she wants a relationship at all.

If any part of that sounds familiar, the steps below offer a way to sort through it.

You’re in large company, whichever way you go

A few findings give useful context. They describe groups of people, not what you should do.

• Later-life divorce is common. Brown and Lin, sociologists at Bowling Green State University, found that the divorce rate among U.S. adults 50 and older roughly doubled between 1990 and 2010. By 2019, 36% of U.S. adults getting divorced were 50 or older, and the rate was still rising among those 65 and older [1].
• Many people form new partnerships, and many don’t. Using national data from the Health and Retirement Study, Brown and colleagues found that about 22% of women and 37% of men had formed a new partnership within ten years of a divorce at 50 or older. New partnerships more often meant living together than remarrying [2].
• Dating happens across these ages. In a national sample of 3,005 adults aged 57 to 85, surveyed in 2005–2006, about 14% of single people were in a dating relationship. Dating was more common among men and became less common with age [3].
• Not looking is common too. In Pew Research Center’s 2019 survey, half of single adults aged 50 to 64 and three-quarters of those 65 and older said they weren’t looking for a relationship or dates. Among singles 40 and older, 71% of women said they weren’t looking, compared with 42% of men. Across all ages, the most common reasons for not looking were having more important priorities (47%) and simply liking being single (44%) [4].

Some of these data are now years old, and none can tell you what’s right for you. What they show is that dating again, deciding not to, and everything in between are all ordinary.

There’s no correct timeline

Some people start dating within a year of a relationship ending. Others wait much longer, and some decide they’re content as they are. Other people’s opinions, however well meant, don’t have to set your schedule.

If your partner died, grief doesn’t follow a fixed calendar either. The National Library of Medicine’s consumer health service notes that how long bereavement lasts can depend on how close you were to the person who died, whether the death was expected, and other factors, and that grief counseling helps some people [5].

A more useful question than “Is it time?” might be: “Am I curious enough to try one small step, knowing I can stop?”

Step 1: Think about what you want now

What you wanted decades ago may not be what you want today. People returning to dating are looking for many different things:

• Companionship: someone to see films with, travel with, or talk to over dinner
• A committed relationship, with or without living together
• Something casual, at least for now
• New friends, and seeing what happens

Pew’s data on adults 50 and older who had used dating sites or apps in the past year reflect that range. About half cited meeting a long-term partner or spouse as a major reason, 36% cited dating casually, and 30% cited making new friends [6].

You don’t have to decide permanently. A rough sense of what you’re open to makes the next steps easier, and makes it simpler to explain yourself to someone you meet.

Reflection prompts. You might jot down your answers privately:

• What would a good week look like if there were someone new in it?
• Which parts of my current life do I want to keep exactly as they are?
• What matters enough that I wouldn’t compromise on it?

Step 2: Choose one way to meet people

There are more routes than apps, and you don’t need to try them all. Pick one that fits how you already like to spend your time.

• Introductions through friends. Let a few people you trust know you’re open to meeting someone. In Pew’s 2019 survey, friends and family were the most common way partnered adults of all ages had met their current partner (32%) [4].
• Recurring activities. A class, a walking group, volunteering or a club: anything that brings you back to the same people regularly, so that getting to know someone can happen gradually.
• Social events built around an interest you share with others.
• Dating apps or websites. Useful for meeting people beyond your usual circles. In Pew’s 2022 survey, 17% of adults 50 and older had ever used one, and 3% had done so in the past year. Users 50 and older were far more likely to have used Match (50%) than Tinder (11%). Experiences were mixed: among users 50 and older, women were more likely than men to describe their experiences as negative (57% vs. 38%) [6].

Choosing one route keeps things manageable. You can always add another later.

Step 3: Prepare a simple way to describe yourself

Whether it’s a written profile or a conversation at a friend’s dinner table, it helps to have a few sentences ready about your life now. Here is an illustrative example, written for a fictional person:

“I retired from teaching two years ago, and most mornings now start with the garden or a long walk. I’m learning Italian, slowly. I’d like to meet someone who enjoys good conversation and the occasional day trip.”

Why it works: it describes life as it is today rather than what has ended, it includes details someone could ask about (which garden crop, why Italian), and it says plainly what the writer would like. You bring a great deal of experience with you. Let the focus be on who you are now.

Step 4: Decide on your pace

You’re allowed to go slowly. You can meet for coffee several times before anything more, or take a week off from messaging. When you’re ready to say this to someone, how to say you want to move slowly offers wording you can adapt.

You may also be wondering how much to say about your marriage, and when. That’s the subject of how much should you share about a previous marriage?

Step 5: Keep a few sensible safety habits

These are worth having from the start, without letting them become a source of worry:

• Meet new people in public places for the first few times.
• Tell a friend or family member where you’re going.
• Arrange your own transport.
• Keep financial details private.

Scams are a real part of online dating at any age. In Pew’s survey, 47% of online daters 50 and older said they had come across someone they thought was trying to scam them [6]. The Federal Trade Commission’s advice is clear: never send money or gifts to someone you haven’t met in person. It describes common patterns, including a new contact who can’t meet because they’re working overseas or in the military, requests for help with medical bills or travel, and requests to pay by wire transfer, gift card, payment app or cryptocurrency. If something feels wrong, stop contact and talk it over with someone you trust [7].

When to talk to someone first. If grief or the end of your marriage still feels overwhelming most days, if you’re struggling to sleep, eat or get through the day, or if your last relationship was controlling or abusive, consider talking with your doctor or a counselor before or alongside dating. That isn’t a test you need to pass. It’s support that many people find helpful.

One small step for this week

Choose one action that feels manageable. It might be writing three sentences about what you’d enjoy in a companion, telling one friend you’re open to an introduction, or reading about how a couple of dating apps work before deciding whether to join one. That’s enough for now. The next step can wait until you’re ready for it.